SPACEHEAD
by Frank the Racist Waifu
Summary: A Gatchaman:Crowds/Cats action/slice-of-life fic. Hajime is a SPACEHEAD living in America. She performs her military duty for the US government. Meanwhile, she meets a lot of friends and a bunch of things happen. "Heartwarming, uplifting and really lit!" - no-one Cover Image by /charliefortune
1. EPISODE ONE

Hajime Ichinose was forced to become a SPACEHEAD by the US military. She was forced to wear a pretty tight jumpsuit and a goldfish bowl on her head. Her commander Chet was all like "OK, cool, so SPACEHEADS basically take care of supernatural threats the military can't handle. It'd be too expensive to make a fleet of you and besides, it would mean too many women in the military and I'm sexist. Also, your rocket boots won't work unless we're boyfriend and girlfriend. When we cuddle, we cuddle to the American flag, alright?". Hajime accepted these conditions because she had no choice. She avoided being cuddled by Chet by giving him cigars to smoke.

The astral vampires were threatening the US space station. She shot at them with her plasma rifle but she couldn't hit the, because they didn't exist in this dimension. She then realised the solution: punching the astral vampires. She punched one so hard it's head exploded and it died horribly. She then kicked one of the vampires into another vampire causing an explosion that killed ten more vampires.

"Woo! Another win for America! Now I can finally get back to scrapbooking!" said Hajime.

"Sorry Hajime, no time for such frivolous hobbies!" said Chet "An AMC theatre is being attacked by Pepsi crabs!"

"Gosh!" said Hajime "That's so frickin' annoying!"

"I know. I wish I could get back to shooting my Renfield at the range but these monster attacks keep coming!" said Chet.

Hajime flew to Earth and back to America and was directed via the GPS on her shoulder that projected the map onto her fishbowl to the endangered AMC. She shot the crabs, turning them to butter.

"Damn, it's that spacehead! She's so cute! I wish I was her boyfriend but that dang Chet is keeping her to himself!" said a passer-by.

He was then ran over by a car.

"Crap! Poor guy!" said Hajime, as she killed more obliviously destructive super Pepsi crabs.

She landed among the buttery wreckage, finally deactivating her rocket boots. The manager of that particular AMC awarded her lifetime free movies and a Pepsi. But when she took the Pepsi to drink it, he tore off his face to reveal he was in fact the passer by who got run over the entire time.

"I have you now, my pretty!" he said.

Then Hajime punched him so hard he flew backwards all the way across the Earth before eventually landing back where he started.

"Nobody but Chet shall snuggle me for monogamy is sacred! Get owned, creep!" said Hajime.

She then realised she had a My Chemical Romance concert to go to. She flew off and landed in the crowd. A security guard tried to stop her getting in for free but Hajime just punched him. Then she locked eyes with Gerard Way. He was a big cutie and rather attractive. Hajime knew that Chet was her boyfriend (as terrible as such an arrangement was) so she sexualised him from afar to make herself feel less guilty. The Gerard said "The band's gonna be on hiatus while I work on my comics!"

The fans were understandably pissed with this out of nowhere announcement. Then Spike Lee rammed a white van into the crowd.

"Oh frick! This is almost as painful as the 2013 remake of Oldboy!" screamed a concert goer before their head exploded underneath the van's tyres. Hajime then got out of there quickly as she wasn't on the clock and didn't want to compromise her safety. She then realised that she had a plasma rifle and thus was under no threat whatsoever and thought "Oh, heck, why not save the crowd for the sake of convenience? After all, Chet might be mad at me."

She swooped down and killed Spike Lee. On the news, she was condemned for killing him just as police were arriving on the scene and, of course, brutally killing Spike instead of incapacitating him with a taser or leaving him on the roof for the authorities. Those were more sensible options but they did not occur to Hajime at the time. Anyway, Hajime washed off the blood and resumed her scrapbooking project. It was an adorable compilation of plane crashes framed by cute bunnies and flowers. She had blue pancakes for dinner. While she was relaxing at home in her PJs, she got a call from mission control.

"Chet's gone rogue! He's destroying civilian property!" screamed Arnold Schwaab.

"Frick! This is SO inconvenient!" whined Hajime.

She flew toward Chet and, without hesitating, punched him so hard his head exploded. Chet was right about her rocket boots. They began to fail and she plummeted helplessly. Fortunately, landed on a bouncy castle, splattering Chet's blood all over its surface. She bounced with the children until she was asked to leave. She then had to scrub herself and her suit clean of blood AGAIN back at home.

The next day, she decided to see_ Uncut Gems_ on the big screen. She went naked because she wanted to feel the cool air of the cinema against her nipples.

"You can't be naked in the cinema, miss." snorted the judgemental ticket master derisively.

Hajime then punched him so hard his head exploded. Overall, _Uncut Gems_ was a masterpiece but the experience was marred by everyone checking Hajime out.

Hajime stepped out and met none other than Bustopher Jones. Hajime instantly fell in love with the obese feline.

"Ah!" said Bustopher "You must be that new soldier the NSA, CIA and FBI are raving about! You sure are immodest!"

"Says the naked cat." said Hajime, embarrassed.

"Hmph. Different standards for different species, my friend. Anyway, how's the government sanctioned murder and aiding of the expansionist US military going for you?" said Bustopher.

"Rather well." said Hajime.

Then Adam Sandler came into the picture.

"Oh, hello darling!" said Bustopher to Adam.

Adam had just got back from buying some fire Gucci threads for himself and catnip for Bustopher.

"Are you his owner or...?" asked Hajime of Adam.

"Boyfriends of exactly three months." said Bustopher curtly.

Hajime stared at Bustopher awkwardly.

"Well, you're a stupid fatso anyway!" she screamed, teary-eyed.

She ran away. Back home, Hajime stared at the wall.

"Oh, why?" she lamented "Why must Bustopher be taken by Adam Sandler? Ugh! He is so cute and now I will never be his girlfriend! I will never massage his stomach and drop fish into his mouth! WHYYYYYYY!?"

She hugged a plush bunny rabbit tightly and began to rock back and forth, sobbing uncontrollably.

Suddenly, Hajime was sucked into another dimension.

Without her SPACEHEAD suit she was significantly weaker. Unfortunately, this was a dimension where tigers were the dominant lifeform and figured out how to make SPACEHEADs before humans. The tigers all rushed to Hajime, ready to devour her. She was rescued in the nick of time by an ape known as Chet 2. Chet 2 took her to his cave and tied her up in front of Sesame Street.

"You will be my shit bride. A loving wife with no control over her bowels. Watching nonstop Sesame Street will make you lose all control over your bowels." said Chet 2.

Chet 2 popped out for a cigar while Hajime was forced to watch by a Clockwork Orange contraption thing. But there were no eyedrops for her. Her eyeballs itched real bad and her eyelids really hurt. She concentrated on a pixel that was out in the top right corner of the screen. Not wanting to lose control over her bowels, she concentrated on it as hard as possible. So hard, in fact, that she passed through it and into Bustopher Jones' body. For a second, she considered leaving Bustopher to become Chet 2's shit bride as she, like most women, couldn't get over the idea of being doted on by Adam Sandler but ultimately, she decided she wouldn't be able to live with herself if she let Bustopher alone to suffer such cruelty. After all, Bustopher was a cute thiccums and needed his Sandler daddy. Just as she was having this thought, Sandler popped in through the door with some lit-ass catnip for his favourite humanoid feline. He then farted and said "Dunkacino!".

"Maybe Bustopher can survive a little longer." thought Hajime "After all, it would be wrong to refuse Adam's kind gift."

Hajime greedily consumed Adam's catnip out of his hand. Adam then flipped Hajime over.

"Wait, darling! Not tonight! I have a really bad headache!" shouted Hajime.

Adam was gobsmacked.

"It must be really serious if you don't want sex." he said "I gotta take you to the vet."

Hajime was frogmarched to the car and driven all the way to the vet.

The vet's office was a pure white void where everything was suspended in a void.

"Not to alarm you, Adam." said the vet "But your cat boyfriend appears to have the soul of a Japanese high school girl."

Adam fainted. After having fainted, he farted, crapped himself and made a silly face.

Hajime then took the opportunity to run away and jump into the other dimension. There she saw Chet 2 torturing Bustopher. Hajime smacked her belly against Chet 2's head, knocking him out and freed Bustopher. It turned out that by this point Bustopher had been reduced to a mental shell. It appeared Chet 2 had overdone it. Or was that his aim all along? Hajime shuddered and jumped back into her own body, rendering Bustopher's original body a functional corpse. Hajime then thought for a minute and came up with a solution. She swiped Chet 2's white van (which looked suspiciously similar to the one Spike Lee used to orchestrate his terrorist attack) and drove along the backroads until she ran over a lone tiger who was talking a walk. She loaded him into the van, took him back to Chet 2's house, stomped on Chet 2's head a few times (eventually killing him) and switched the tiger's soul with Bustopher's. The tiger did not take this well so Hajime knocked him out and threw him back into the original dimension. Hajime knew the vet wouldn't pick up on the soul being different because Bustopher was a big cat and a tiger is also a big cat. She then jumped through and knocked the vet unconscious for good measure. Adam Sandler then farted.

Hajime was walking the streets looking for a good gumbo place when Arnold Schwaab interrupted her peace.

"Sorry, Hajime but a squadron of faded salts are attacking the city!" he gibbered.

"Faded salt people?" queried Hajime.

"Faded salt people." confirmed Arnold.

Hajime sighed.

"I don't have my suit. It got lost at home when I got sucked into another dimension."

"You don't need to bother then. The pentagon is doomed."

"OK."

Hajime the continued her search for a good gumbo place. Then a giant humanoid made of faded salt particles bounded onto the street and gave her directions to a good gumbo place.

"Thank you, mister salt man!" said Hajime, before running up his body and kicking his face in, causing the friendly faded salt man to fall back and collapse into a pile of salt.

Hajime then had some reasonably priced but very tasty gumbo. She saw on the news that the pentagon had been utterly decimated.

"Dang." said Hajime "I'm really not that good a hero."

"That's not true!" said Sugane, a travelling lube salesman "You are the greatest hero the world has ever known! Sure, the pentagon got destroyed and millions of innocent people died but you can't hold yourself responsible for every little thing! You're already worked hard enough and besides, you've done so much!"

"I keep using excessive force." said Hajime.

"My sister was in that crowd. If you hadn't stopped Spike Lee, she would have died. Terrorist scum shouldn't be given a second chance!" said Sugane.

"Are you sure?" said Hajime.

"Absolutely." said Sugane.

"Well, I'm glad somebody thinks so." said Hajime.

For a while, there was silence.

"You look a little sad, can you tell me why?" asked Sugane.

"I was rejected by Bustopher Jones! And now he's dead! I'm so sad he's gone and-and I should have been Chet 2's shit bride!" Hajime said before breaking down into an incoherent mess, sticking her face into her gumbo.

"Who the fuck's Chet 2?" asked Sugane.

"It's a long story." said Hajime.

"Listen, me and some of my friends are gonna drink Buckfast while listening to the band American Football at the abandoned train station. Would you like to hang?" asked Sugane.

Hajime squealed with excitement and hugged Sugane, knocking her gumbo over. Sugane hugged back.

TO BE CONTINUED...


	2. EPISODE TWO

Hajime was introduced to Sugane's friends, who were all travelling CBD vape salesmen. Together, they made up Gatchaman and solved alien crimes.

"Hello!" said JJ "I like your dress!"

"Thank you." said Hajime, slightly weirded out but nonetheless appreciative.

"You're really cool, Hajime." said Sugane.

"You're the hero? You look kinda weird." said Paiman.

Joe was silent. He was busy listening to _Never Meant_. The bottle of Buckfast was passed around and pleasantries were exchanged. Suddenly, an alien criminal rushed in and shot JJ to death with a pain-powered Tommy gun. Hajime then ran up and dropkicked him to death. Utsu-tsu walked back to the group holding a tray of weed brownies. She slipped on JJ's blood and cracked her head open. Sugane vomited in response. Joe rushed to Utsu-tsu but she was already dead. Mister Mistoffelees then came onto the scene and restored her to life with his magic. He was wearing a _Southland Tales _t-shirt.

"I heard the sound of math rock and pain and knew I was needed." he proclaimed before bowing.

"What the hell you freak! Is this some kind of performance to you! This kid almost died!" shouted Joe.

"Correction. She died. I brought her back." he replied.

"Can you... bring JJ back?" said Hajime, sobbing.

"Nope. Beyond my abilities. That over there was just a little girl." said Mister Mistoffelees.

He disappeared down a manhole that wasn't there anymore.

Arnold Schwaab called Hajime up through telepathy.

"Hajime!" he gruntled "The Empire State Building is ON FIRE!"

"Shut up, Arnold!" she screamed "I'm joining Gatchaman! I don't care if you kill me!"

"Actually, you're fired." said Arnold and Sugane simultaneously.

Hajime was shocked. Sugane winked.

TO BE CONTINUED...


	3. EPISODE THREE

Then the set moved back to reveal everyone was on a fucking soundstage. All of this was an elaborate set-up for a reality TV show. The members of Gatchaman were brainwashed into losing their memories. They were then stuck in an artificial version of America. Hajime was never a real SPACEHEAD and nobody had really died. Utsu-tsu was fine. All the cats were simply holographic projections. The real cats all received hefty paychecks for the use of their likenesses. Then the host came up and removed Paiman's spleen.

"Ladies and gentlemen!" said the host "The subjects shall now be re-integrated into society! They shall also be integrated into Gatchaman once again!"

He turned to the shell-shocked members.

"This time, however," he said "Gatchaman is working to _initiate_ the apocalypse."

Then a chandelier crashed into the audience seating, killing every single one of them.

"Make sure to get a good shot of the bodies!" screamed the host to the cameraman "It will increase ratings!"

The host then did a backflip off the stage.

Hajime then farted but the fart was so big and smelly that her anus reverse farted all the gas into her and she began to puff up like a balloon. Sugane tried to grab onto her but she floated away too fast.

THREE MONTHS LATER...

Paiman was dead due to having his spleen removed. Hajime was morbidly obese. Sugane was a crack-addicted hobo. JJ was a nymphomaniac meth-addled stripper. Joe was a carpenter in Detroit. Utsu-tsu was a child soldier in Uganda. The one thing that united the remaining members was dedication to the cause of Gatchaman: causing the end of the world.

TO BE CONTINUED...


	4. EPISODE FOUR

Suddenly, a bomb went off in sector nine. Hajime was fat so she couldn't move fast but she needed to waddle to Iblis Controller No. 6. But then, Sonic the Hedgehog ran into the scene and transferred Sugane to the Dark Zone.

"It has been successfully transferred," said Sonic, his eyes rolling into the back of his head.

He was then knocked unconscious by Skimbleshanks the RAILWAY cat.

Hajime activated the Controller and killed the rebel - Shadow the Hedgehog.

Hajime then entered the command codes for the nukes. She set them off but then the explosion knocked her out of her body and into a thin spiritual form.

Suddenly, she was back in 2006. Adam from the novel _Adam_ by Ariel Schrag was there.

"Hey, Adam," said Hajime.

They then had sex.

But then, Greg Heffley burst through the window and slit Adam's throat.

"You're coming with me," said Greg.

TO BE CONTINUED...


	5. EPISODE FIVE

Greg dumped Hajime in his pick-up truck that was decorated with American flags. It was rusty and dirty and had lesbian porn plastered over the rearview mirrors. Hajime writhed but could not break her constraints because the constraints constrained her. Greg drove the truck toward his secret sex dungeon but suddenly, Stan Marsh leapt in front of the truck and used his psychic powers to lift it in the air.

"Release Hajime or be prepared to feel the wrath of our council! Sonic the Hedgehog has already invaded Dimension Nine! Now, we will us her to eliminate all cringe!" boomed Stan. Greg then calmly whipped out his Glock and shot Stan in the head, causing the truck to drop back to the ground. Greg ran over Stan's body and then unloaded Hajime into the cabin.

"God, I wish I was obese again…" thought Hajime as she farted.

Unfortunately, she farted too hard and pooped her pants. Greg then walked back into the room but he had an as yet unseen companion… GORD!

"Is this her?" said Gord "The one that caused the apocalypse?"

"Yeah, but be careful," said Greg "she's the hero,"

"How can you cause the apocalypse and be the hero?" said Gord.

"That's not for us to ask," said Greg, unshackling Hajime from her restraints.

Hajime unleashed a roundhouse kick aimed at Greg's face but he nonchalantly blocked it with his hand. While Hajime was in a state of shock, he flipped her around and pinned her to the ground.

"Listen, we're not you're enemy. We're here to… did you shit yourself?"

"Yes…"

"Nevermind, we took you here so we could train you. To become the ultimate hero,"

"How?"

"By converting you to either Buddhism, Islam or Christianity. Either one. Your choice, really,"

"How will that make me a hero?"

"You need to be religious to beat Satanicon, the neoliberal gaylord that wants to force everyone to watch CNN and invest in the stock market,"

"But I'm agnostic!"

"It's worthless," said Gord.

"Oh, ye of little faith" chuckled Greg.

He grabbed Hajime by the panties, ran out onto a cliff and whirled her around before letting her go. Centrifugal force did its work and Hajime flew into the ocean, breaking most of her bones as she hit the water's hard surface. Hajime blacked out.

When she came to, she noticed she was in a classroom surrounded by many other students.

"Welcome to Faith School," said the big-titted polar bear woman. She was McDonalds milkshake thicc, as would befit a polar bear. But for real, she had that WAGON if you know what I mean. Like, bruh, her belt and uniform were straining to keep her flab in. The belt was groaning with each breath, her ass-cheeks looked like the weathered bean bags of a filthy hippie stoner, her arms looked like they had fluffy, furry pillows affixed to them, her neck was damn near non-existent as it was covered by a roll of blubber and her presumably already stacked titties fell over her body. In other words, she was a beautiful woman. Hajime was transfixed by this odd sight.

"Here," she said "you will learn about various faiths and denominations so that you will become better citizens and heroes,"

"Heroes?" thought Hajime "Greg Heffley must have sent me here. Goddamnit. I don't want to be involved in this stupid conflict. I was already brainwashed into causing the apocalypse. I don't wanna be under people's control! Let this Satanicon guy win, I wanna stay home and watch Netflix!"

The polar bear woman took a break to wheeze.

"God, I'm sweating like a pig," she muttered, sniffing her armpits.

Her lifting her chunky arm revealed a massive pit stain. She fanned herself with her paws before then whipping off her incredibly strained buttoned shirt. This caused the buttons to burst off of her body and hit many of the students in the head. She then slowly scratched her bush of unshaven armpit hair and yawned. Everyone stared at the now half-naked teacher, now wearing only a bra and jeans. She continued to fan herself, wheeze and sweat.

"And now," she choked out "our first class on Islam will be taught by the magnificent mister Rivers Cuomo!"

Rivers meekly shuffled onto the platform and gingerly shook the polar bear woman's sweat-coated palm.

"Well, you see students, the core of Islamic belief is made of four pillars…"

The polar bear woman waddled out of the classroom at a pace that was probably quick for her.

"Let's all give it up for Principal Aqueduct!" said Cuomo, clearly stalling for time.

Nobody clapped. Rivers died inside a little. Suddenly, a mild clap started up from the person sitting next to Hajime. He was a lanky, black-haired teenager wearing aviator shades and a really tasteless shirt that referenced the Abbey Road cover but instead of The Beatles there were M&Ms. Hajime noticed that each desk had a little placard displaying people's names. The boy next to him was called BRET EASTON ELLIS. On the other side, was a skinny goth girl with bright dyed pink hair and a crown of thorns. Her name was AYN RAND. Hajime checked her own placard. Sure enough, it read HAJIME ICHINOSE. Who were these weirdos? Was she the only non-cringe person in this gay ass school?

It turned out that Bret was mega gay, like super homosexual. Like, only liked guys. Like, 100% into schlong. To reiterate, he did not have sex with women. He was also a teenager for some reason. James Joyce was lusting after Principal Aqueduct despite her being quite a bit older than him (although younger than usual for someone of her position). Hajime found Islam kinda cringe. There was no way she could recite the Shahadah convincingly. I mean, five times a day? She could never remember to do such a thing. So, yeah, Salat was the main obstacle. Zakat, though, was indeed an interesting idea. Although, she thought that it was wrong for her to give money just because her religion said so. Then again, she shouldn't give just for the feeling of "being good", so perhaps Zakat served its own unique purpose. Truly altruistic giving. The only thing that could prompt true altruism is a divine power. A depressing truth. She was definitely not going to be finding a boy here. Everyone was either a pervert or gay. She went up to Ayn Rand.

"Hey, Ayn!" she said sweetly.

Ayn ignored her.

"I'm wondering, would you like to watch Grown Ups 2 with me sometime?" said Hajime.

Ayn looked at her as if she had just suggested they stick greasy hot dog weiners up one another's anuses.

TO BE CONTINUED…


	6. EPISODE SIX

"And so, God made Eve out of Adam's rib. He had made the day and the night and the dividing line between them. The light and the dark. Now he had made man and woman. Light and dark. Man and woman. As we can see, God operates in binaries," said Rivers Cuomo.

Suddenly, the wall crashed open to reveal Popuko and Pipimi wearing _Pussy Riot_ balaclavas.

"We're here to subvert the narrative!" cried Popuko.

Then Principal Aqueduct waddled onto the scene.

"You're a big girl," said Popuko nervously.

"For you," said Principal Aqueduct.

"You merely adopted the obesity," she said "I was born into it, moulded by it,"

She then snapped Popuko's neck. After that, she sat her massive asscheeks on Pipimi's face, killing her. She got up.

"You all saw fucking NOTHING, capisce? Also, Pussy Riot is a poser band for idiots and the Russian government was justified in imprisoning them. Disturbing the peace is a thing," said Principal Aqueduct before waddling off.

Hajime decided that Christianity was the best-sounding religion. It had been a long five days but she finally received a well-rounded introduction to the major faiths. Bret was cool and gay but unfortunately, Ayn was dumb and boring. Everyone else was pretty cool but not as cool as Bret. That guy had swag. James was a pervert that jazzed himself when Aqueduct killed those teenagers.

Because Hajime had selected Christianity, she gained the ability to summon crucifix cannons made of light. Bret had watched Grown Ups 2 with Hajime and they laughed and enjoyed one another's company.

"So much depends on us, just as so much depended on a red wheelbarrow glazed with rain water beside the white chickens," said Bret.

Then Satanicon burst through the ceiling and started shackling people with political correctness of both the left wing and right wing variety.

"OH NO! Now I am forced to believe that more female CEOs will solve Capitalism's problems! IDENTITY POLITICS NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Principal Aqueduct.

Hajime then fired her crucifix cannons at Satanicon but he simply blocked her attacks with fake news. Then Bret summoned 108 prayer beads and used them as grenades. Satanicon was then vanquished.

"Hooray!" everyone said.

Hajime was overjoyed. She had helped people. She was a hero! She had real friends! This moment of euphoria was short-lived as she was then immediately eaten alive by a schoolgirl named Yumeko Jabami, who had been infected with the BOOB virus. The virus gave a long tongue, sharp teeth and an obese body. Oh, and also an insatiable appetite for human flesh. She ate all the remaining students. She only had an appetite for human flesh so she didn't eat Principal Aqueduct. Yumeko then burped and patted her stomach.

"Yum!" she said "I'm gonna go eat more people and take over the world!"

She then waddled off into the sunset.

TO BE CONTINUED…


	7. EPISODE SEVEN

Yumeko blundered about eating people for a bit before herself getting eaten by an overweight Khajit from the Skyrim universe.

"I will now vow to be a legendary hero that helps all in need!" she proclaimed before belching out human remains.

She cupped her mouth in embarrassment. She waddled with extreme speed to the house of some teenager.

"Yo! Do you need a hero?" she asked.

The teenage boy quivered with fear.

"Please don't eat me, miss," he said.

"Is there any wish you want granted? Any girl you want won?" the Khajit asked.

"I mean, there's this girl Sagiri that I love... but she's fucking Skimbleshanks the Railway Cat who has a chad cat dick,"

"I see. I pity you. I shall kill this fiend and make your love possible!"

Suddenly, a low rumbling emitted from the Khajit's spherical, ample stomach. She clutched, began sweating and grunted in pain.

"Are you OK, miss?" asked the boy.

"Fine," she squeaked.

Finally, her stomach settled and she farted out Yumeko's skull.

"Sorry," said the Khajit "It appears someone's skull was stuck in my gastric system,"

"No problem," said the boy.

The Khajit then ran to the library, doxxed him in the computers to figure out what school he goes to and then set up a stake-out to see which girl was fucking Skimbleshanks. She saw one girl leaving with the paedophilic bastard. She tried to run after their car but, while an athletic Khajit may have been able to keep up, she was soon left gasping on the pavement in a pool of her own sweat. She resolved to kill Skimbleshanks. Not just for stealing that boy's girl but for making her run that fast. No person should suffer that. She pulled herself up. She had taken a note of his license plate. She ran it by police records and realised this car was involved in a hit and run two years ago. Convenient. She smiled to herself. Soon, she would have the cream and would be smiling as cats do when they have the cream. This, however, would be the whipped cream of justice slapped between the sandwich of revenge. That thought made her hungry so she had a whipped cream sandwich. She used a GPS tracker to track the movements of Skimbleshanks' car. It appeared him and his floozy were having steak at a fancy place. Wasn't her style. Not enough garlic mayo sauce or curly fries. She jumped up and suffocated a waiter between her massive thighs. After stealing his clothing, she realised it didn't fit her and she just killed a man for no reason. She then just ran up to Skimbleshanks and used her lightning magic to fry the motherfucker. The girl screamed in horror.

"That's what you get for making me run, bitch!" she said before ramming the contents of her meal down her throat.

"Tell Sugane that you love him or I will sit on your face!" she screamed, her expression wild.

A chef tried to apprehend her but the Khajit just burnt him alive.

The Khajit exited the restaurant whistling the Eromanga Sensei theme tune to herself. Another heroic deed for the books.

TO BE CONTINUED...


	8. EPISODE EIGHT

The Khajit then wobbled her way over to Sugane's house and then belched in his fuckin' face.

"Allow me to crash here or I will literally fuckin' flay you alive," she said, while scratching her wide, heavy ass.

"Sure thing," said Sugane, allowing her in.

"By the way," he said "what's your name?"

"My name is Tsajini," she said.

She then plonked herself on the couch and watched daytime television. Sugane went up to do his homework. He phoned up his friend Hajime to angst about his problems but she only half listened. Tsajini then drank all of the milk in the house and then did a milky burp.

"Crap!" she thought "Hold on. If I just piss in these jugs of milk, maybe he'll forget they were milk jugs and think they're just apple juice that has gone off!"

She then pissed in the milk jugs. Then a portal to the donut planet opened up. Tsajini felt kind of guilty for substituting Sugane's milk for cat piss so she slowly huffed and puffed up the stairs to apologise and tell him about the portal to the donut planet. He was incredulous at first but when he saw the portal, he felt like he had nothing to lose. Our two brave heroes stepped through the portal and onto the donut planet. Sugane then ate a donut. Due to this action, he became the embodiment of the goddess Persephone.

"Oh shit, what the fuck!" he cried.

"Damn," thought Tsajini "she lookin' kinda fine,"

Persephone's head was then pierced by a crossbow bolt. Tsajini turned her head to see the culprit was… Rian Johnson! Before Rian could explain himself, she ate that motherfucker. She heard rustling in the donut bushes. It was J.J. Abrams. She proceeded to shit Rian's remains all over J.J. and then snapped his neck. She was a brave and honourable hero and so couldn't stand to see such injustice done to a poor teenager. She then ate all of the donuts in the donut forest and farted so much she destroyed all the plant life and damaged the ozone layer. Then a white van suspiciously similar to the ones piloted by Chet 2 and Spike Lee screeched to a halt in front of Tsajini.

"We knew you couldn't resist donuts," said Sonic piling out of the car along with Stan Marsh, Bud Clay, the Quay Brothers, Christopher Nolan and Stan Brakhage.

"You killed Skimbleshanks!" accused Sonic.

"You can't prove anything!" munched Tsajini, who was stopped in the process of eating a chocolate donut and thus had chocolate all over her mouth.

She then farted out Skimbleshanks' pelvis. She stared uncomprehendingly at the insane collection of people before her.

"What are your plans?" she asked.

"To change the binary to the rhizomatic. In other words, to eliminate the based/cringe binary by embracing postmodern decentring. Soon, we will acknowledge that the difference between based and cringe… isn't as clear cut as one would think. Already, Capitalism has encouraged cultural eclecticism. Do you really think the notion of 'cringe' can survive in such a world? If even morality is forfeit, then what does 'cringe' even mean?" said Sonic.

"So, you're going to deconstruct the based/cringe dichotomy? I believe you're simplifying the pre-postmodern attitude to cringe. I don't think based/cringe was ever held up as a sacred, incontrovertible or clear-cut dichotomy. There are tons of things that straddle the line between based and cringe. Like Jean-Luc Godard," said Tsajini.

"That's where you're wrong." said Sonic "We are of the belief that the based/cringe dichotomy is so muddied and subjective as to be entirely meaningless. When what is cringe is based entirely on perspective, we need to face the truth that nothing is inherently cringe or based. We are projecting our own values of what based or cringe is onto the world,"

"Come on." said Tsajini "Surely, you can admit that there are some things that are objectively cringe? Like tiktok thirst traps or _United Passions_?"

"No," said Sonic "and now you must die. You would benefit most of all from this. In this world of objective morality, you are by no definition a hero. You constantly fart and shit yourself, you can't save anybody, you're a gluttonous freak and your one heroic act consists of brutal murder,"

"I may shit myself. I may love my food and my incredibly overweight body. But I am a hero. Morality is defined by intention,"

"Ah. Kant believed the same thing but he would disapprove of your antics. Your murder of Skimbleshanks betrayed a categorical imperative. If you are a utilitarian, you do not fit the definition of hero. If you are a Kantian, same thing. Sorry, Lizzo cat, but you're shit out of luck when it comes to moral superiority. Maybe if you're an egoist but then that's less an ethical position and more an excuse for sociopathy,"

"I don't care. I am a hero. I know it in my heart. I don't care if I don't fit your fancy definitions,"

Tsajini then slammed Sonic's head into her asshole and clenched so hard that Sonic's head exploded. Stan Marsh tried to telekinetically lift Tsajini but she was too heavy. Tsajini fried Stan, Palpatine style. She then found a gun-shaped donut and shot super-hard chocolate buttons into the hearts of Brakhage and Nolan. She turned to Bud.

"Go. Go and return to being in the movie _The Brown Bunny_," she said.

Bud obliged. Tsajini then shat her pants.

"Damn, my panties are so stinky," she whimpered to herself.

Then she waddled extra slow to the car cause having shit in her panties made her extra uncomfortable. She barely fitted into the driver's seat. She drove to the massive ramp that led off of the donut planet and to the monster planet. She felt she would need to train if she wanted to be a proper hero.

TO BE CONTINUED…


	9. EPISODE NINE

Deep in the monster planet, Tsajini was napping because she was kinda depressed and tired. All the monsters were super easy to kill. She hadn't improved at all. To cheer herself up, she ate their corpses. But that didn't make her happy. Tsajini then vowed to find some beans so she could fart her way back to earth. She journeyed deep into the dungeon of pain but all the traps were designed for thin people so Tsajini never even got scratched.

"Fuckin' anti-climactic as all gay," she said to herself.

She then used the dungeon's treasure to resurrect Persephone but as an overweight Khajit like her. One catch, though. Persephone's mind was erased, making her a whole new person. Thus, the entire exercise was pointless. Tsajini named the new soul Yumdrop Babyswine. Tsajini then had consensual sex with Yumdrop. She and Yumdrop then hugged one another and squished their bellies together, forcing out a fart so powerful that it propelled them back to Earth. Yumdrop then emitted some squeaky little farts that made Tsajini laugh. That was before Yumdrop was abruptly killed by a police officer. Enraged, Tsajini ate the police officer and his car. She then burped so hard the entirety of Florida was destroyed. For this, she was crowned a national hero.

"I guess there's not much to learn from this except farts and burps are awesome and so are overweight women but not guys. Fat guys are kinda cringe," said Tsajini.

Everyone clapped. Tsajini then ate the president. So she then became the president because the public were in love with cats at the time. She did absolutely nothing for four years except order that her full stomach and feetsie weetsies be rubbed. This made her the most popular president of all time and a role model for women. Somehow. After serving her term, Tsajini then ate all the food in all the restaurants of Boston, causing a food shortage and economic crisis. Before an angry mob could string her up, she ate some beans and farted her way to New Zealand and then landed on Peter Jackson. He was only heavily injured so to finish the job Tsajini got an axe and plunged it into Jackson's body screaming "Try getting a reservation at Dorsia now, BITCH!"

While in a food coma, Tsajini got a phone call. Turned out this thing called Eater of Dreams was gonna destroy reality unless she threw a bomb into it.

"Do I have to?" she whined, "I mean, I've been the first female president, I killed a paedophile and Peter Jackson and I destroyed Florida. I think I've contributed to society plenty,"

She then belched and shat on the couch.

The person on the other end of the line threatened to cut her Netflix and Hulu subscriptions. With a sigh, Tsajini tried and failed to get out of bed. She had gotten significantly fatter due to eating all of Boston's food. She now had to swing her arms to be able to move anywhere and often got stuck in doorways. She also had three fucking chins. She got into her mobility scooter and made her way to the cave of evil with the bomb.

The scooter trundled along and Tsajini's stomach growled and squelched. She eventually got to the cave and was all like "Maybe I should get myself a lover? I _have_ been a little bit of a layabout recently. Perhaps love will give new meaning to my life,"

She then scooted to the edge of the black chasm.

"I will eat everything," said the Eater of Dreams.

"OK," said Tsajini.

"What?"

"I don't mind. Do whatever,"

"But what about the world?"

"The world can lick my taint. It isn't in my interest to save this world as I can just fart to another one. As Stirner said: 'All things are nothing to me',"

She then scooted out, still carrying the bomb. The Eater of Dreams gave up because all she wanted was for someone to care about them. They vanished to the bottom of the cave to cry.

"How did you know feigning apathy would be more effective than a bomb?"

Tsajini then gave a five-minute belch that smelt like garbage as a response.

Tsajini got home and started swiping through Tinder while eating some sticks of butter as a light snack. She swiped right on Mister Mistoffelees. They arranged a one night stand. Tsajini showed Mistoffelees her magic and he was impressed somewhat but made it clear his magical abilities far outstripped hers. Then they boned.

TO BE CONTINUED…


	10. EPISODE TEN

Tsajini went to sleep and had a very strange dream. Below is a summary of it.

Hajime knew that Chet was impressed by Adam 's rib but she floated helplessly into a pile of salt people and now he was forced to watch Netflix and cringe … Rian Johnson of Islamic species died horribly and shot JJ back into society when Arnold Schwaab interrupted … Gord was incredulous at first but he nonchalantly killed Skimbleshanks 's head and so Tsajini fried Stan Marsh on a fucking soundstage suspiciously. Perhaps zakat was suspended in binaries before Yumdrop was dead and Hajime was fat. Sugane vomited between home and a woman. Hajime activated the portal to herself. Disturbing nonstop sesame girl screamed "I'm joining Gatchaman and I destroyed Florida".

She woke up. Meanwhile, Colonel Sanders was walking along with his sniper rifle, ready to take out Mister Mistoffelees. While he was walking, someone asked him "Why are you dressed as a Southern Colonel? Are you some kind of racist?"

Colonel Sanders then karate chopped his skull open. He then hopped on his motorcycle and ran over several KKK members on the way to his destination. Perhaps he was overcompensating a little. But it was awesome. Colonel Sanders then blew Mistoffelees' head open like a watermelon. Hajime purred and ate the gore. Sanders then got into his helicopter and flew over to Kentucky to meet his loving wife, Yui Ikari. He came home to her dead body crucified. He screamed and went kinda sicko mode. He then decided to shoot up a KFC branch so he got his uzi. He went into the branch and was all like "YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

There was deafening silence. Everyone stared with eyes of sheer despair at this cringe and gay madman. Sanders then opened fire. Everyone died. Sanders then got out of the KFC joint and vowed to meet the hero Tsajini and understand her.

Meanwhile, Tsajini was an immobile blob that watched anime all day and had to have a caretaker. Sanders crashed through the wall and snapped the caretaker's neck. He then aimed a hoover at Tsajini.

"NOOO! Not my beautiful (gasp, wheeze) FLAAB!"

Sanders committed the impromptu liposuction and then gave Tsajini a bath. After that, he interviewed her.

"Why do you like being a fat bitch?"

"'Cause I loved myself!"

"Why did you destroy Florida?"

"'Cause my girlfriend was dead!"

"Why did you eat a teenage girl infected with the boob virus?"

"'Cause she looked tasty!"

"What are your moral standards?"

"I have none!"

"Why are you the hero, then?"

"Simply because I am,"

Sanders then kissed Tsajini and they boned. Then they decided that they needed to start the simulation so they could figure out who could stay in the nuclear bunker. It would be a deadly game. The contestants would be: Hajime Ichinose, Andrei Tarkovsky, Robert A. Heinlein, Rei Ayanami and a clone of Yumeko Jabami. They then took over the world so they could enact their plan.

And then suddenly...

TO BE CONTINUED...


	11. EPISODE ELEVEN

A FEW THINGS HAPPENED...

The simulation was created and the programs set to work under Monokuma's reign but all of them died except Yumeko. Zombies then broke into the simulation because the simulation was becoming more real than reality. To safeguard the program and thus Yumeko's consciousness from the zombies, the programmers of the simulation transported her back in time. The Yumeko simulation existed in the real world and her code had gotten so sentient she actually gained a real body, thus killing the consciousness of the original Yumeko. The final Yumeko was infected with the BOOB virus and stumbled her way into faith school. Tsajini and Sanders' plan went ahead anyway with the simulation providing the blueprint for the worthy citizens. Fortunately, the cashier known as Isabelle (who was a cute talking dog) and her best friend Tom Nook got high and decided to trespass on the pseudo-military base. They managed to disable the nukes by having sex near the controls. They accidentally hit the emergency shutdown button but the nukes were mid-deployment so everything was fried. Thankfully, the nuke deployment room was shut off from everywhere else but if the gas were to get out it would basically cause the apocalypse. Tsajini then walked in on this. She attempted to kill Tom and Isabelle but then Isabelle just ate the bitch alive. Just one big gulp. Tom Nook liked fat chicks so he was OK with the situation. After stopping a nuclear genocide by having sex and getting fat, Isabelle was crowned Queen of the universe. All the people who agreed to be in the bunker were tried for being complicit in crimes against humanity. Because the Queen of the universe was fat, everyone decided fat was beautiful and then pretty much all the girls were fat. Isabelle was kind of worried about the effects this would have on worldwide health but not worried enough to stop wolfing down lasagna. The war between the postmodernists and the traditionalists was resolved by giving both sides free pizza and Doctor Pepper. And then, peace was established in the universe and everyone ascended to Heaven. Hajime was reborn as the baby thing from 2001 and she said to herself: "Toga! Toga!"

THE END


End file.
